I had a hard time training with my trainer. He is a good guy and all but he switches from being friendly to reprimanding trainer personalities at the drop of a mistake. We will be talking, and i will miss seeing a sign because he is telling me something. My favorite is when i am coming into a exit ramp and i think he is attempting to coach me on the procedure, so while i am trying to listen to the coaching, i screw up my setup for the turn. Then he gets angry at me and starts going off on me about how i am a professional driver now and i cant be doing this shit, etc etc.
The other day when i had the mishap with a left turn and i almost ran into an on coming car, he starts going into a speil about how i almost killed him and how i would have been responsible for his death and the deaths of others. Then goes on about hiw he is a damn good father and husband and he intends to make it home alive and how i would have been responsible if he wasn't able to. Yeah thanks for that, guilt is not a good motivator for me, and layering it on, i feel, made that fucked up day worse.
I think a lot of our missteps with personality stems from the fact that he is a midwestern guy that goes to church and has a value set that is dramatically different than mine. On many occasions, i felt that he was treating me like one of his kids. I'm sure he respected me, but in my opinion, his teaching and coaching skills were not ones that i can deal with.
On top of all this, the hurry up and go shit that kept coming up was driving me batshit crazy. On one hand I am being told to look around and make sure of what i need to do so i can do it. So when i do, i get an aggrevated response that i am wasting time, going too slow, hurry up, get going. Then when i try to explain what I am trying to do, he looks at me and tells me he doesnt want to hear excuses, just do what needs doing. Now THAT shit is directly from my father in the past while i was growing up. I do not and will not respond to that shit well. I shut down a lot and bit my tongue. I am a student, im supposed to be learning, not back talking and being accused of "wasting time".
The company is all about being safe. Last I knew, being safe can't be done by going quickly and making snap decisions if you don't have the experience to back you up, which i dont, but my trainer kept treating me like someone who has done this before. I would like to think that being new and doing what i was able to do in a short time accounted fir something, but it felt that the congradulations were in short supply against the pile of criticism that kept being tossed my way. He would keep complaining about all the fuel that i kept wasting because of over-revving and not shifting properly. Im sorry, if that is truly a concern, stop fucking training so you can get your fuel bonuses, stop putting the blame on me. I am new to this, im not fucking up intentionally and you putting pressure/guilt on me makes me want to just drop the truck into neutral and floor the fucking pedal ti actuallt give you something to complain about. The nitpicking about how i was to blame for missing lights or turns because i was too slow at my decision making at times made me just want to scream.
Thr coupe de gras was when i gave him an answer to a question and he misheard me. Then proceeded to yell at me for not doing said task. When i repeated what i told him, he looked at me and said "when i give you a yes or no question, just fucking answer yes or no" As you might guess, that didnt sit well with me.
Just thinking back in some of this is getting me stressed enough to want to beat the shit out of someone. I'm currently sitting by myself at the McDonalds waiting for my bus and my heart rate us up and im getting more and more pissed off. So, if you ask me if i made the right decision, i would have to say yes. Today would have been driving over mountain day. I won't gather a guess on what would have happened if he gave me shit while going down a 2 mile 8% grade hill with a large drop off. I will let others guess and wonder for me.
I am a stubborn person, walking away from this, for me, was difficult. I don't really like to quit something because its too hard for me. Especially if i am the one who set the goal. I found my limit and i was honest with myself about what i ciuld and could not do. With the wonderful support of my wife, I was able to comfortably make this decision fir me and not anyone or anything else. I don't do well with 'trapped' for a job. I tend to start loathing things and finding excuses not to go do it. It happened when I worked fir the state of mass years ago and i already saw signs of me trying to figure out how to stay home longer than my scheduled time. I got confirmation that i did not burn any bridges at the company and that if i want to, at a later date, come back and try again, i have the option. I would have to think long and hard at this, right now i am trying ti exoress into words as to how strung out i feel and the reasons behind them.
Overall, it is a great field to work in if you are looking to challenge yourself. I started my journey as a tech man, i feel comfortable around technology. I may not understand it all, but it talks to me just fine. Trucks and i have a nodding relationship. We get along fine, but if i let my guard down,bthe fucker will try and take me out. Im not ok with that. Be that as it may, i am not trying to convince myself or anyone. I writing this to get it out of my head in some way to release the pressure.
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