All i want to do is fucking quit now. Everything i was able to do well yesterday fucking didn't work today, i hit curbs, almost changed lanes in to a car, i missed seeing a car ehen attempting a turn and i fucked up a roundabout. Gear shifting today sucks and to top it all off, i now have my trainer using ridicule to inspire me. I have been actively driving a truck since last wednesday and he is pulling out comments about how unprofessional that is and how all the other drivers on the truck stop are looking at me and shit. Today he pulls out how i am giving excuses for all my misyakes and now evertime i try to explain my thoughts on why i did something, all i get is a smile and a nod and a "Yeah, i knew you would have an excuse for this" comment. "Fuck this" is all i really want to scream and leave the god damned fucking truck in a ditch and walk the fuck home. After today i am really hoping i fail the fucking final so i can just go the fuck home, find a tech job again and say "fuck you" to the world. I am beyond frustrated, i have kept my mouth shut and tried to glean the lessons that need to be done to be a good driver. I feel like i am getting contradictory things about simple things like backing up from ehst is taught to what is done in the field. I know thst this is a hard job, i appreciate that fact. Maybe i am truly geeting to the point that maybe tbis job is not for me.
I tried it, i do like the travel aspect. But there is SO much information that i am trying to process at one time that i am getting overwhelmed. When i try to focus on fixing something one other thing gets a lack of attention and i get called on it and i get flustered. For example, jusy going up a ramp off the highway, i have to downshift from 10th gear to 5th gear. Each gear has a set rpm and speed value to which you have to adhere or it wont go in. Throughout the braking and downshifting, i have to keep control of the vehicle, know which lane i need to be in, be in the proper side of the lane depending on the turn, know which way i have to turn, keep an eye on traffic behind me and in the intersection, read and understand any/all signs or lights, thrn be in low gear 5th within 1 truck length of the intersection to have time to look at the turn i need to make and verify the traffic involved. That's just to get stopped at the end of a ramp and i have less than 30 seconds to do it all. Now i can do it, not all perfectly, but i can do it. Then there is the next procedure on how to make the turn. Any trucker reading this knows how it goes and it become second nature. I just had trouble today every freaking step of the way.
Yeah, i know there will be bad days and this might be one of them. I seriously need to consider for myself if this is what i want to do. I know that there is a bar set here for a level of expertise, i also know that i am being told that i am a better driver than other students that have gone before me. From what i understand, the otner student were previous truck drivers. I am not 100% sure of that though. Still, the flack i am getting about over-revving and grinding gears or screwing up on my shifting is pissing me off. I know i am wasting fuel by doing it, i am a student, back the fuck off. I also know that by stopping at an intersection i shave time away from my clock that can be used elsewhere, yes i may not have time for a load because if it. Ya kniw what, i am stopped, safe and looking at my fucking options before i proceed because you have me so fucking flustered i need a minute. If i am going too slow for you, i am so fucking sorry. If you will kindly look at my name tag, it says student. Reminding me of every little mistake is not going to help me get better right now. Since we are over 12 hours early for delivery and its less than 5 miles down the road, i think i am doing something right. Granted I had a lot of good skills today too, but the bad ones git me especially when the trainer said that the turn "almost collision" was a fail. Thanks for that, my confidence dropped already cuz i didnt see the car in the first place, telling me i fail makes me just want to fucking throw the truck into park, pack my things and hitchhike home. A CDL is starting to now be worth the aggrevation to me. I would opt to drive a fucking limo instead or towncars to ferry ppl to and from the airport.
I know i am venting and maybe itd merely smoke blowing out my ass. However, right now i am seriously at my wits end and one more push will mean that i have had it.
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