Wrapping up

So I have been home for the better part of a week now to decompress and figure out how to wrap up this saga that I have ventured on.

Why did I give up and leave?

Well, mental stress was one reason but not the key reason to my decision. There were several factors that got to me. The style of teaching, the loneliness and inability to talk to my wife face to face about daily problems, conflicts between teacher and student, contradictions in policy and procedure while on the road. As such, I did like the company and its the values that they bring to the table when working in this industry. However there is a breakdown in these concepts when it comes to being on the road with a timeline. Time management is a big thing and I do understand that without it, none of the shipping industry would be able to work. Like I said, I did enjoy the job itself, I found that at the end of the day, I didn't like what I was being turned into.

The instructor I was assigned to was, for all intents and purposes, a really nice guy. However his teaching style was more of a stern and yelling aspect. If I did something wrong, I would get scolded and told to do better. This would increase in veracity as time would go on. A strong teaching style is fine and dandy, I can actually work with that, what I cannot stand is when people start making it personal and try to inspire by breaking you down emotionally and personally. He started to attack my professionalism in driving, pointing out that other truckers were looking at me when I fucked up something and then would ridicule the actions taken. Then there was the underlying anger. I had this identified the first day I saw it, this was something my Dad would do to me when I fucked up. He would get angry and express it in movement and action. So if I didn't do something right, such as backing up, he would wave his arms with a firm gesture and show anger on his face as if to say "What the fuck are you doing?!", I left that shit behind when I moved out of the house but I also knew I could deal with it for the time being, or so I thought.

Days went on and the behavior got worse and worse for every small mistake I would do. That's what really started to throw my confidence out the window. I would make a small mistake and I would get jumped on like I fucked up majorly, which would get me flustered enough to make 4 more mistakes down the line because I was now shaken. Now, forgive me if I am wrong, but I am attempting to drive a 80,000 pound vehicle thru a 35 MPH zone in an active town. Why the fuck would would harp on me about missing a gear or taking too much time to get to a light and get me flustered and make more mistakes while still in the goddamned town?? In the end, I felt like there was really nothing I could do right. Even my successes in backing up were "congratulated" with stern remarks that weren't even close to an actual compliment. When I did my close quarters backing that I needed to "pass" what was left in the workbook that I am assigned, I did the backup within all the limits set. I got out to look at it and give myself a cheer when the instructor walked up to me with a stern look and spat, "You passed." and walked past me. The only emotion that was on his face was impatience and irritation.

I was always too slow, screwing up his MPG stats, not setting up turns right, not getting control of the vehicle in enough time, starting to slow down way too early, not paying attention, not shifting properly, etc etc etc. Then at the end of the day when we ended up at a truck stop of the night. He would then say I didn't do great, but I did really well for someone who has only been driving for 3 days, 4 days, etc. Which, maybe I'm being over sensitive about this, would have been nice to hear WHILE I was trying to figure out how to do this shit at the time. What really would get me is that I would be quiet and concentrate on driving, then he would start talking  because it was too quiet. I would get pulled into the conversation simply because I was taught that it was polite to respond when someone is talking to you. Then something would happen and he would get on my case for not paying attention, then kick back into being Mr. Nice Guy and continue talking. After awhile, I would not reply and if he persisted I would say back to him that I was kinda busy at the moment, hold on. Maybe that was me being rude, but I would be damned to get yelled at AGAIN for his set up. I was ready to start ripping him a new one if he yelled at me about telling him to hold on. Never did, but I was waiting for it.

Bottom line of this whole thing is that I feel that the trainers are simply dragging students into their trucks for the money bonuses that they get. The do as I say, not as I do mentality that is prominent in the trainers  is a load of bullshit. I would love to have them go through their own training course and survive. I bet quite a few of them would get wake up calls. I am not condemning all trainers, I am quite sure that there are good ones out there. I just know what I went through and this is my point of view at this time.

I got a call from my hotel mate a couple days ago. His trainer was, from what I hear, bat shit crazy. I won't go into all that happened, not my story to tell. However, he got back to the main terminal and was fired outright for being an unsafe driver. Which is interesting as he told me that his school was trying to get him to actually go the speed limit while training him. I hear that his school is ripshit about the way he was treated and may be opening an inquiry as they just had 20 students go to that company based on my hotel mate's decision to go himself. So we will see what happens, if anything.

Now I am home, I will be pursuing some local jobs, which will be nice. I also was informed of a garbage truck opening for a local company. Its driving the trucks, just a local version. I may look into that as well.

As with any story, this is hardly the end. My CDL still has a lot of life to it. So, we will see what happens. As for this chapter, yeah, it is closed for now. I will see where my path goes from here and let you all follow me as usual. Until then, happy trails to all!

Home.

After being removed from the truck on Thursday, I was able to get a bus ticket home from Illinois. I arrived home on Friday afternoon.

I am taking time to deflate from all this and see about bringing my thoughts to closure.

Overview..

Overall, my experience in trucking was somewhat bittersweet.

I had a hard time training with my trainer. He is a good guy and all but he switches from being friendly to reprimanding trainer personalities at the drop of a mistake. We will be talking, and i will miss seeing a sign because he is telling me something. My favorite is when i am coming into a exit ramp and i think he is attempting to coach me on the procedure, so while i am trying to listen to the coaching, i screw up my setup for the turn. Then he gets angry at me and starts going off on me about how i am a professional driver now and i cant be doing this shit, etc etc.

The other day when i had the mishap with a left turn and i almost ran into an on coming car, he starts going into a speil about how i almost killed him and how i would have been responsible for his death and the deaths of others. Then goes on about hiw he is a damn good father and husband and he intends to make it home alive and how i would have been responsible if he wasn't able to. Yeah thanks for that, guilt is not a good motivator for me, and layering it on, i feel, made that fucked up day worse.

I think a lot of our missteps with personality stems from the fact that he is a midwestern guy that goes to church and has a value set that is dramatically different than mine. On many occasions, i felt that he was treating me like one of his kids. I'm sure he respected me, but in my opinion, his teaching and coaching skills were not ones that i can deal with.

On top of all this, the hurry up and go shit that kept coming up was driving me batshit crazy. On one hand I am being told to look around and make sure of what i need to do so i can do it. So when i do, i get an aggrevated response that i am wasting time, going too slow, hurry up, get going. Then when i try to explain what I am trying to do, he looks at me and tells me he doesnt want to hear excuses, just do what needs doing. Now THAT shit is directly from my father in the past while i was growing up. I do not and will not respond to that shit well. I shut down a lot and bit my tongue. I am a student, im supposed to be learning, not back talking and being accused of "wasting time".

The company is all about being safe. Last I knew, being safe can't be done by going quickly and making snap decisions if you don't have the experience to back you up, which i dont, but my trainer kept treating me like someone who has done this before. I would like to think that being new and doing what i was able to do in a short time accounted fir something, but it felt that the congradulations were in short supply against the pile of criticism that kept being tossed my way. He would keep complaining about all the fuel that i kept wasting because of over-revving and not shifting properly. Im sorry, if that is truly a concern, stop fucking training so you can get your fuel bonuses, stop putting the blame on me. I am new to this, im not fucking up intentionally and you putting pressure/guilt on me makes me want to just drop the truck into neutral and floor the fucking pedal ti actuallt give you something to complain about. The nitpicking about how i was to blame for missing lights or turns because i was too slow at my decision making at times made me just want to scream.

Thr coupe de gras was when i gave him an answer to a question and he misheard me. Then proceeded to yell at me for not doing said task. When i repeated what i told him, he looked at me and said "when i give you a yes or no question, just fucking answer yes or no" As you might guess, that didnt sit well with me.

Just thinking back in some of this is getting me stressed enough to want to beat the shit out of someone. I'm currently sitting by myself at the McDonalds waiting for my bus and my heart rate us up and im getting more and more pissed off. So, if you ask me if i made the right decision, i would have to say yes. Today would have been driving over mountain day. I won't gather a guess on what would have happened if he gave me shit while going down a 2 mile 8% grade hill with a large drop off. I will let others guess and wonder for me.

I am a stubborn person, walking away from this, for me, was difficult. I don't really like to quit something because its too hard for me. Especially if i am the one who set the goal. I found my limit and i was honest with myself about what i ciuld and could not do. With the wonderful support of my wife, I was able to comfortably make this decision fir me and not anyone or anything else. I don't do well with 'trapped' for a job. I tend to start loathing things and finding excuses not to go do it. It happened when I worked fir the state of mass years ago and i already saw signs of me trying to figure out how to stay home longer than my scheduled time. I got confirmation that i did not burn any bridges at the company and that if i want to, at a later date, come back and try again, i have the option. I would have to think long and hard at this, right now i am trying ti exoress into words as to how strung out i feel and the reasons behind them.

Overall, it is a great field to work in if you are looking to challenge yourself. I started my journey as a tech man, i feel comfortable around technology. I may not understand it all, but it talks to me just fine. Trucks and i have a nodding relationship. We get along fine, but if i let my guard down,bthe fucker will try and take me out. Im not ok with that. Be that as it may, i am not trying to convince myself or anyone. I writing this to get it out of my head in some way to release the pressure.

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The saga starts to end..

After getting about 3 or 4 hours of sleep, i got up and talked to my trainer about hiw I felt and where U stood. It was a short convo and he respected my decision. I then called my fleet manager and explained to him what was going on. He asked if that was my decision and I said it was. So a bus ticket was purchased against my future earnings im supposed to get to send me home.

I had to pack my stuff up and get off the truck at the truck stop we slept at last night. While I waited for my auth form to be faxed, my trainer left to continue to deliver the load. Thinking that a cab ride was in my future, I talked ti the girl at the truck stop helping me with the faxes and she informs me that the greyhound station is located across the street at the McDonalds. So, the universe was all set about my decision and ked me to where I had to be to continue my journey home.

I am sitting at said McDonalds waiting for an attendant to come and give me tickets. I will be leaving at 3:30pm central time and heading to my finak destination of Daytona Beach, Fl. So my next little adventure will begin. Once I get my tickets squared away, I will be starting to write up my closing thoughts on my experience as a professioal trucker.

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This is it.

So i have taken my time and energy and sat back an reassessed my situation.

I am not happy with my choice of careers. I thought that I would much happier and more confident about doing this job. I am good at it for a beginner, I can drive the truck with a semblance of safety and competance.

However I feel that I am out of comfort zone and way out in left field. I feel that I am a danger on the road, if not in actuality then simply in my mind.

I am tired, frustrated, scared, uncomfortable and lonely. All I really want to do is go home and find a job there.

I can't honestly say that i have wasted time pursuing this. I learned a great deal about the job and about myself. I am not haopy that i lost half a year getting here, but i wouldn't trade the exoerience for anything

I still have to talk to my trainer about my decision and see what happens from there. If the ridicule continues, well, I only have to deal with it for a little while. I have to live my own life the way I want it to be.

Is this chapter of my life complete? I don't really know. I have a few more day of adventure before I close out,this blog officially, so we have some more reading to do. Lets take it day by day, fir I still have to get home.

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